Taking Better Care of Teen TCKs
Building on what we learned last month about little guy TCKs, Cherry Hart brings us a wealth of wisdom on caring for adolescent TCKs in this month’s Messenger. A former missionary herself (who raised and loves her own TCKs), Cherry has dedicated years of her life to serving teenage TCKs - her’s is a voice worth listening to!
by Cherry Hart
Therapist and Former Missionary
In recent years we have been fortunate to be exposed to a growing wealth of information concerning Third Culture Kids (TCKs – what we formerly called ‘missionary kids’) and the blessings and challenges that arise from living and working abroad for the sake of the gospel. Pollock and Van Reken provide pivotal information on TCKs in Third Culture Kids: Growing Up Among Worlds. This book should be required reading not only for missionary families themselves, but also the entire missions community. Most of my most valued learning experiences concerning TCKs take the form of personal testimonies of some of these remarkable individuals who are shedding new light and giving us new insight on their experiences.
Recently, I was privileged to have heart-to-heart discussions with some TCKs whose families were supported as missionaries on the field when they were teenagers. They were simply asked, “Name something your supporting church did for you that was deeply meaningful. If you cannot recall anything, what do you wish your supporting church had done?” Sadly, many said they could not recall a single thing done specifically for them. Their observations were honest—sometimes jarring and sometimes awe-inspiring. They also lend an understanding of three characteristics of adolescent missionary kids that will serve us well as we consider how to support and care for them. Below is a synopsis of what they shared:
Characteristic #1: Confused loyalties
TCKs do not give allegiance to one nation or people group. Their hearts have expanded to include all people groups that have touched their lives. They are uncomfortable with an expectation to exhibit patriotism for a specific nation to the exclusion of all others.
“Please don’t expect me to choose which place I like best. And please don’t ask me which place feels like ‘home.’ I consider the world my home because it’s full of people I love and who love me.”
“I really enjoyed it when my supporting church sent their youth group to do a mission trip in my town.”
For this TCK living in Germany, this experience when her “two worlds” came together became a highlight of her teenage years. She said that it gave legitimacy to their church-plant in the community and gave her an opportunity to get to know the youth group on familiar ground. The youth group related to her differently when she was back on furlough because they had a better understanding of her life in Germany.
Characteristic #2: “Home” is in relationships, not places
This is great news because it gives the supporting church an opportunity to develop a sense of “home” within the congregation based on deep relationships between church members and the TCK. Those TCKs sure did have a lot to say about this one:
“I wish I felt like I was a part of your congregation. I only know a few people, and I feel forgotten until you see me when I’m back on furlough for a few weeks. Then you act excited. I feel awkward in Sunday School class, and I don’t know any of the other youth very well.”
A good place to start is by appointing a liaison family to bridge the gap between the TCK and the supporting church. This could be a returned missionary family, or simply a family who loves adolescents and can relate to them. This family will:
Maintain communication with the TCK while she is on the field. If the liaison family has adolescents of their own, communication can be natural and frequent.
Go on site visits with the specific goal of connecting with the TCK and making some memories that will cement the relationship. This will be helpful in future years when the TCK returns to her passport country.
Organize the sending of care packages. These care packages can be sent by various individuals and groups. The TCK liaison simply assists with suggestions of items to include, timing, and logistics.
Organize events and coordinate with the youth minister to include the TCK in the youth group while on furlough.
Go on visits to the TCK’s college campus to visit once they have started university. This can be especially important if her parents are still on the field. It is important that the supporting church remain in the life of the TCK until she has graduated college and become an independent adult.
“I felt so valued when the youth minister would ask for my perspectives during class when I was visiting on furlough. He let me know that what I thought was important.”
A youth leader has a tremendous opportunity to provide an example to the youth of being mindful of any newcomer or visitor, including the TCK.
“I wish people from our supporting church had come just so we could have fun. It always felt like a work trip. I wish we could have hung out, laughed, played, and eaten ice cream.”
Although it is necessary to view the work, please consider sending some families with similar aged children on an “encouragement trip”—just for fun.
“I was amazed when my supporting church included ME in their senior celebration. It’s the nicest thing any church has ever done for me!”
Include the TCK in the church’s high school senior celebration. It doesn’t matter if she’s there or not. This might include having a video presentation, a display table, or whatever tradition your congregation observes to honor your high school seniors. If gifts are traditionally given to seniors, please don’t forget your TCK.
Characteristic #3: Grief
TCKs have said more goodbyes by the time they’re 13 than most of us will say in a lifetime. They have had many disappointments and heartbreaks because of their mobile lifestyle. It is worth mentioning that a particularly traumatic grief is felt when parents suddenly lose support or are not appreciated by the supporting church.
“Tell me you appreciate the contributions I make in order for my family to do the important work of sharing the gospel abroad.”
TCKs can sometimes live in relative isolation in small towns or villages with very few friends to whom they can relate. They give up time spent with extended family members and miss important memory- making celebrations. Most often, they are happy to do so but would enjoy being told their sacrifice is being noticed.
“Be my parents’ greatest cheerleaders. Speak well of my parents when visiting our family on the field. Speak well of my parents to me when I’m back on furlough. Let me know that my family is deeply appreciated and seen as an extension of your church family.”
Some TCKs were not sure that their family was appreciated. They were always a little nervous their support would be suddenly terminated. There was no factual basis for their fear, but the lack of affirmation of their family’s work was worrying.
“Global Reunion saved my life. It gave me a place to cry with others who understand my story. I’m so glad I was allowed to keep going every year.”
Encourage your TCK to attend Global Reunion. This camp takes place on the Oklahoma Christian University campus, and focuses on TCK experiences, challenges, and tools to navigate transition. As the supporting church of your TCK, offer to pay for transportation to the camp as well as the camp itself. The teen will want to attend again and again. This provides a network of friends for the TCK, some of whom they will likely see again in college.
In conclusion, it is hard to overstate the impact of a supporting church on the spiritual life of an adolescent TCK. In speaking to some TCKs who felt their supporters had been distant and uncaring, I noticed that many struggled with their faith, God, the church, and the TCK experience. More hopefully, I noticed that when the relationship between the supporting church and the missionary family (including the children) was encouraging and attentive, the TCK was more likely to view the church as a warm, supportive, safe place, and even consider going into the mission field as her life work. God bless you as you encourage our missionaries of today and empower the missionaries of tomorrow!