Resiliency and Self-Care
Resiliency and Self-Care
Holly Kooi
More often than not, ‘missions’ makes no sense. We arrive on our designated field, full of ideas and visions, ready to serve and care for a particular city or village or community. But then we are rendered temporarily useless by waves of culture shock.
But suddenly!
We pop back up again. We launch seminars and host brunches. We open our homes and create outreach efforts. We brew full pots of coffee or tea, in great anticipation for people arriving intrigued by what we’re offering. But then…one person…out of the expected twenty, arrives. And that one person doesn’t even drink the coffee or tea we’ve prepared.
Le sigh.
The life of a missionary is far from easy. We lose people, sometimes spiritually, sometimes physically. Our plans don’t work out. We argue with our team members or spend an incredible amount of energy attempting to keep our church families engaged.
At some point, our personal baggage shows up in some form or fashion, our two o’clock Bible study cancels again, and for the life of us, we cannot figure out how to pronounce that one word in a language that’s not our own.
It’s a lot.
But there are ways to bounce back from such stresses, two of them being a strengthened resilience and an improved vision of self-care.
Resilience
The Difference Between Mental and Emotional Health
It's no mystery why so many of us struggle to get back up after falling.
To fully understand resilience, it’s important to know the difference between mental health and emotional health, often, incorrectly, used interchangeably. Mental health is the ability to process information, and emotional health is the reaction to the information processed.
If your mental health is in good shape at the moment that two o’clock appointment cancels, you’re more likely to have an appropriate, healthy emotional response. However, if your mental health is hindered by issues like depression, anxiety, stress, unforgiveness, or burnout, your emotional response to that same cancellation is more likely to be disproportionate to what’s happened.
In other words, the state of your mental health is revealed by your emotional health. But here, I’d like to suggest that “resilience” be given its own seat between the two--a deep inhale before the exhale.
Resilience is the ability to bounce back from adversity, stress, and challenges; to be able to cope despite the negative information being processed. Sometimes, we misinterpret resilience to mean we ignore the hardship and stuff down the stress to keep going without falling apart or taking a break. But if we think about our minds as parts of ourselves that also endure pain, then I ask you this:
Does a runner continue his weekly routine with a sprained ankle? Does a coach play her midfielder with a torn ACL?
When we continue with a false understanding of resilience, we risk creating further injury to what’s already hurting. True resilience, however, asks us to pause, observe, and acknowledge whatever stress is occurring so we can move forward in health and wisdom.
Stress and How It Manifests in Our Lives
When stress makes its appearance, we respond with thoughts, behaviors, feelings, and physical reactions.
We might think things like “I don’t belong here” or “My efforts were useless” when a well-planned seminar falls through. Behaviorally, we might sleep more, pick at or bite our nails, or distance ourselves from others. Our feelings might manifest like sadness, hopelessness, anxiousness, anger. Physically, our bodies might react with headaches, ulcers, chest pains, or head colds.
Unfortunately, many of us lack the necessary information and education on how to be in tune with our mental and emotional health. We tend to exist unaware of the storm brewing inside us.
For example, five months after we arrived in Vienna, the cultural honeymoon phase began to wear off. I found myself daydreaming about the States, missing my friends, and regretting our decision to uproot our lives. Additionally, I did not know how to say ‘no,’ which led to too much work while functioning on too little sleep. Then one delightful fall day, I decided to bake.
Now, I’m no Pioneer Woman, but I consider myself to know a thing or two about making a good dessert, which is why when not one, not two, but three desserts failed in one evening, I lost it. Fury took over, and sadness followed closely behind. My husband found me in a puddle on the floor, crying among broken eggshells (that I may have angrily thrown to the ground) and a leaky trash bag (hence the puddle) of sugary failures.
A disproportionate reaction, indeed.
I had been paying attention to everyone and everything else but myself. As a result, I remained ignorant of the extreme stress (culture shock, homesickness, exhaustion) affecting my mental health. When my brain then tried to process my confectionary catastrophe's information, my emotions took charge of the situation. Had I been well-versed in resilience, I likely would not have been as intensely knocked down and wiped out by mushy cookies.
How to Increase Your Resilience
Mercifully, resilience is a skill that can be improved with intentional practice, beginning with observation.
Spend a dedicated amount of time to identify the thoughts, behaviors, feelings, and physical reactions you observe within yourself. Answer questions such as:
What kind of attitude do I have during challenging times?
What skills can I tap into that will help me relax and manage stress?
Who are the people in my life whom I can reach out to for support?
How can I stay focused on the larger picture?
Asking yourself these questions will help you better prepare for future stressful situations and increase your self-efficacy, thus strengthening your resilience. There’s no time like the present to enhance other skills as well. Practicing the fruits of compassion and forgiveness will soften your heart and put you on a path to viewing yourself and others in a positive, grace-filled way. Find healthy ways to express and explore your reactions to situations through writing. Or try tapping into your community or a circle of friends for emotional support.
Self-Care
Take Care of Yourself
Missionaries are notorious for not taking care of themselves. Our boundaries are often out of whack, answering phone calls well after working hours are over. People’s issues become our issues, and so on. So, when we don’t dial in to see all that’s happening inside us, our ability to be resilient is significantly restricted.
Last fall, I presented the topics of Resilience and Self Care to a room full of missionaries. We scattered into small groups so they could hear and learn from each other. I asked them to write down the various thoughts, behaviors, feelings, and physical reactions they thought possible or experienced in times of crisis and stress.
Next, I asked them to list how they found joy. I believe what I said was, “Take a moment to list all the things you do for you. Not for work. Not for someone else. But for you.” The room fell silent as each person thought about outlets and activities that brought them joy and relaxation.
After a while, I asked for examples, and one of the participants raised his hand. In his answer, he listed some activities his group had listed like reading, baking, quilting, but then he said this:
“It’s sobering to see that each one of us here could have spent the day listing all the ways we react to stressful situations, yet when we tried to list the ways we take care of ourselves; we could barely come up with anything.”
Too true.
Our world has misconstrued “self-care” to be self-absorbent and selfish. And as missionaries, whose very job description is to take care of our neighbors, we repeatedly put ourselves laster than last. It works for a little while until we’re so done that not only are we incapable of taking care of our neighbors, but also, we can’t take care of ourselves!
If this is sounding familiar to you, if you’re struggling to think of non-work activities that give you joy or stir excitement within you, and it’s a challenge to think about self-care in a positive light, then it’s time to start reframing and relabeling the concept and make it your mission to take care of yourself.
If you’re having trouble knowing what to do to take care of yourself, start small. What’s one activity that makes you happy and excited? Is it taking a nap? Is it drinking an actual hot cup of coffee before the rest of your family wakes up? Is it a walk in nature or a date with your spouse? How about reading a book in silence? Whatever it is, write it down and do it once a week to create a rhythm. Once you feel comfortable, add more hobbies to your week. Of course, you want to balance it with your work and family schedule. Finding this balance of work and play will strengthen your self-esteem and improve your resilience amid difficulty.
Don’t wait until the next breakdown to make small, healthy changes. Instead, be proactive with your self-care. Be kind to yourself. Show yourself some love. You’ll thank yourself for it.