by Alan Howell

Director of Church Relations

and former worker in Mozambique

What do I wish my church had known about me, my family, or my work during my time on the field?

When our family returned from serving in Mozambique, our sponsoring church sent us to a missionary reentry program in Colorado. That was such a gift, because after making our home in Mozambique for so many years (2003-2018), we knew that we had a lot to process. In the very first session the counselor started by placing some rubber ducks on the table in front of the group. We laughed at these simple toys being used to start our session. She pointed to the first one and said, “this clean rubber duck is ‘Yay Duck’ - it represents the things worth celebrating during your time living overseas.” Then picking up the second rubber duck, one that was disfigured, she said, “this is the ‘Yuck Duck’ - it stands for the negative, painful parts of your experience. Even though many people in your lives don’t want to hear about those things, we still need to name them as part of what happened. That’s the ‘pair-of-ducks’ or paradox of unpacking this season of your lives - being able to name both the good and the bad.” Then she picked up a rubber duck that was wearing rabbit ears, a fluffy tail and sunglasses. “This is the enemy of getting anything meaningful accomplished together - ‘Fake Duck’ - pretending that everything is just fine.” That simple rubber duck activity set the tone for the week for our whole group - the group breathed a huge sigh of relief. We all realized that this was a space where we could leave fake behind and be honest and open about both the good and the bad from our past. We could process all of it in healthy ways and lay the groundwork for moving forward.

This series of blogs has been a great window into what Andy, David, and Mark wished their sponsoring churches and supporters knew about them and their work during their time on the field. One thing that I wish is that there had been more spaces to share both the good and the bad. There can be a lot to celebrate in missions, but there are some things that need to be grieved. It can be discouraging when churches want to hear the “Yay Duck” stories but don’t seem to have patience for the “Yuck Duck” moments and seasons. Having space for both of those without pushing for a cheaper, “Fake Duck” version is something that too few church leaders knew how to do.

Another complexity that I wish churches were more aware of was how challenging it is for cross-cultural kingdom workers to exist in-between cultures. People in Mozambique had trouble saying my name (Alan), so very early in our time there a friend suggested that people call me “Arlindo.” The name stuck, so for 15 years that is what my Mozambican friends would call me. It was actually helpful for me to have a different name as my Mozambican self was developing and was different than my American self. It gave me a way of talking about two different “operating systems.” These two different modes of being were sometimes in conflict with one another, but over the years I got more adept at code-switching. I learned that this was a fairly normal trajectory of becoming bicultural. It was a gift to have visitors from back home who knew my American self and could also witness my Mozambican self in action. I think it helped make sense of when traces of Arlindo would show up in a space where Alan was expected to be. But, this was something that took me a long time to know how to talk about with my supporters and sponsors.

In his book, Culture Care, Makoto Fujimura uses a word to describe what it is like to be an artist that I find helpful to describe what it is to serve in missions. He references “an Old English word used in Beowulf: mearcstapas, translated ‘border-walkers’ or ‘borderstalkers.’ In the tribal realities of earlier times, these were individuals who lived on the edges of their groups, going in and out of them, sometimes bringing back news to the tribe” (p. 58). Fujimora shares how being a border-stalker is uncomfortable. They can function in multiple spaces, but may not be at home anywhere. They often feel uneasy in both spaces and they may not be completely trusted by either group. But, their ability to exist at the margins and move between them is essential for their task. The trade for cultural flexibility has both a benefit and a cost.

Fujimora describes Jesus as a border stalker and he suggests a few characters from literature who also move between worlds in this way. These mearcstapas pay extra emotional and psychological “border taxes” from crossing those boundaries so often. For that, and for many other reasons, I’d encourage churches who want to care for kingdom workers to read Fujimora. His bicultural status makes his comments on identity and the blessings and costs involved resonate in thoughtful and powerful ways.

I wish I had known how to ask for help and witness from supporters regarding these two complexities: sharing both the Yuck Duck and the Yay Duck and making sense of the process of becoming bicultural. These are complex ideas that for me would take time for me to even begin to process and articulate. Since I didn’t even know what to ask for back then, he’s what I’m asking for on behalf of others now. Give your kingdom workers the gift of your time and space and full presence. Really listen to them. Provide safe space, good space for kingdom workers to be able to share. Be willing to sit with them and walk with them as they share hard stories. Don’t expect to be able to put a neat bow on difficult, unresolved things. And don’t be afraid to ask about the ways that living in a new culture may be shaping them and changing them even at a deeper level than you would expect. You don’t have to fix this or them, but you can stand with them and witness it. Witnessing the joys and the costs, naming that aloud to them and to God is a way to honor and love them well. Taking the time to share that gift may mean more to them than you will ever know.

Voices from the Field - Alan