A Training Wheels Sentence for High Stakes Communication
by Alan Howell
Director of Church Relations
I feel stuck. We’re in a situation that is high stakes and complicated and I’m not sure what to say and how to say it. What do I do when I can’t find the right words to communicate well?
Navigating conflict can be challenging in any setting. In my work with churches and missionaries, I have run into people on every side of confusing situations who are struggling to say what needs to be said. There is a helpful tool I learned a while back that I love getting to talk about (for more on that story, click here). Not only do I use this method all the time personally, I’ve passed it along to missionaries, missions committees, and church leaders as a simple framework for slowing down and communicating well with one another. I've even taught it to groups as a way for people to pray when they are having trouble connecting with God. It is an incredibly useful tool for helping people to be intentional about hearing, being heard, and asking for what they need.
Nonviolent Communication (NVC), developed by psychologist Marshall Rosenberg, is a communication framework that emphasizes empathy, understanding, and compassion. NVC aims to create a deep connection between individuals, promote harmonious relationships, and foster peaceful resolutions to conflicts. The NVC training wheels sentence goes like this:
When I hear (or see, remember, imagine, etc.) …
I feel …
Because I need (or want, etc.) …
Would you be willing to … ? (Lasater, 2019, p. 7).
I love these steps, but I found it hard for me to always remember each of the different parts. So, I came up with some body motions to remember the training wheels sentence: Start with the ears (When I hear… ), then move down to the heart (I feel... ), then move down to the gut (Because I need...), and then move outward to open hands (by asking: Would you be willing to…?). Those body motions have helped me teach it to churches and individuals and even children in ways that can help them remember and practice it.
When I have taught it to groups, I encourage people to take a few minutes and write this out to make sure they develop each step. I think this process lines up well with what Jesus says in the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 7:1-13 regarding “Asking, Seeking, and Knocking” as the way of the Kingdom. But certainly, it has been and could be used with non-Christians as well. This tool aligns with four basic distinctions of nonviolent communication: “observations versus judgments, feelings versus evaluations masquerading as feelings, needs versus strategies, and requests versus demands” (Lasater, 2019, p. 7).
Here are some other insights for practicing NVC (mostly from Rosenberg – if you want to learn more, here’s my favorite video on this topic: How to make requests | Nonviolent Communication explained by Marshall Rosenberg):
Don’t ask others not to do something, instead ask them what you want them to do.
When we ask, we are asking people to do things willingly and with joy whenever possible.
Rosenberg uses puppets of giraffes and jackals to give examples of different types of communication and notes that trying to control by using guilt, shame or fear is the “jackal” way. But, communication in the “giraffe” mode is where “people make requests not demands.”
We should be careful when attributing labels to people or actions because that can lead to self-fulfilling prophecies.
“As long as people hear our requests as demands, they only have two choices: submission or rebellion. And neither” path is “going to connect us with people in ways that are good for anybody. The main difference is not in how nicely we say it, but how we treat people who don’t do what we want.” (FYI - That is how we tell the difference between a request or a demand.)
Instead of focusing on my diagnosis of the situation and the other person, I should focus on what was actually said.
This process is not a way to convince people to do what we want (manipulate them), but instead it is a way to create a connection with the other.
As NVC trainers like to say, “Hold your requests lightly and your needs tightly.” (Latini)
Recently, I was working with a missionary family who needed to address a problem with their supporting church. As we connected on how to handle that, I shared the NVC process with them and encouraged them to write out the training wheels sentence ahead of time to guide their communication. Whether you are feeling stuck in how to communicate well while serving in missions or supporting those who serve in missions, this pathway is a good one for intentionally moving forward.